Attraction- no idea on the timeline anymore.

Dear Diary,

Where does attraction come from? It's crazy how for some it can come out of nowhere, without even a word spoken. Is it lasting though? For others, it builds... a slow burn. It's built on foundation, on conversations, inside jokes and life in general. Is that lasting?

With Josh, it was immediate. Before my eyes were even able to focus on him, my body knew. It had felt him before. It recognized the air change as his body walked in front of mine. I never encountered that before. It was almost like, it didn’t matter what he looked like because I just knew it would be good. As I slowly looked up and saw his eyes dance and his sinister smile form, I knew immediately two things. Damn he was hot and I was in trouble. That, ladies and gentlemen is what they call a red flag. Be careful with that. If you continue playing with that fire and desire, your mind starts to make excuses to the things that would normally tip you off. You know you just want more, always more. More of what you used to have, more of how he couldn’t get enough of you. What had happened that made Josh want to spend less and less time with me while we were dating? Why would he choose to be with his guy friends instead of with me between the sheets?

Was it because his body had cooled off from mine? Did his desire run out and it needed to be refueled by another? I often wondered if I wasn’t good enough. If the allure of me slowly faded revealing to him all along I was someone he would actually not have ever been interested in. So I tried even more. I tried so hard to pull him back into my forcefield, get back into the lust bubble with me but it was too late. He had used up all of my air and he needed to suck more from someone else. It had nothing to do with me being depleted but in fact everything to do with him. He was the empty one.

So you have to understand that when I saw him again all those years later, after all of that healing I had done, I couldn’t shake that attraction. The attraction never left me and although before I could live life forgetting that, when the vulnerabilities in my relationship with Ryan became more prevalent it opened me back up. It was perfect timing… for danger. For “forgetting” all of the red flags. Forgetting what the right thing was and mixing fantasy with reality.

I’m on the other side now, of course. Maybe I needed to go through this to see that, but I fear even writing that out is making an excuse for myself. I guess you could say I’m working through it all, healing myself yet again to an injury I thought was closed for good. Please be patient with me diary; don’t lose all hope. I’ll try as well.

Love,

Elle